Decade in Review, Revisited: The Worst

According to my count I’ve seen 650 films from the last decade, which is more or less an accurate count. I was particularly anxious to cover the “worst of” list, because looking at the worst is even more subjective than looking at the best. I have a feeling I may step on some toes, but it’s all done in good faith.
             
Of the films I remember seeing (yes, I tabulated a list) I’ve given 45 Fs. I’m unsure if that’s too much or too little. Here they are, alphabetically…
              
Big Momma’s House (2000) / Anger Management (2003) / Are We There Yet (2005) / Around the World in 80 Days (2004) / Big Fat Liar (2002) / Big Momma’s House II (2006) / Blades of Glory (2007) / Boat Trip (2003) / Cats & Dogs (2001) / Cinderella Story (2004) / Daredevil (2003) / Dukes of Hazzard (2005) / Duplex (2003) / Elektra (2005) / Fred Claus (2007) / Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties (2006) / High Crimes (2002) / House of Wax (2005) / I Love You Beth Cooper (2009) / John Q (2002) / Josie & the Pussycats (2001) / Kangaroo Jack (2003) / Like Mike (2002) / The Lizzie MaGuire Movie (2003) / Love Don’t Cost A Thing (2003) / Mad Money (2008) / Marley & Me (2008) / Material Girls (2006) / Men In Black II (2002) / Nacho Libre (2006) / Next (2007) / Norbit (2007) / Not Another Teen Movie (2001) / Rat Race (2001) / The Ring (2002) / Scary Movie II (2001) / Scary Movie III (2003) / Scooby Doo (2002) / Seven Pounds (2008) / Shallow Hal (2001) / Stuart Little II (2002) / Stuck On You (2003) / Swing Vote (2008) / Wild Hogs (2007) / XXX (2002)
         
The above 45 films are those eligible for my own personal awards of “Worst”. The biggest offender was 2002 with a whopping ten titles emerging from it. 2000 and 2009 (the book ends) only got one a piece.
            
The Worst Performances
Runners Up (Paris Hilton in House of Wax, Fred Willard in Scooby Doo, Ben Stiller in Blades of Glory, Ben Stiller in Duplex, Jack Black in Shallow Hal)


#10: Ben Affleck in Daredevil

A performance so monotonous that I can’t believe this is the same man who played the electric Ned in Shakespeare in Love. Perhaps, he’s only good in small doses.
        
#9: Jack Black in Nacho Libre
I’ve covered this before – let’s just leave it at bad, bad, bad.
        
#8: Eddie Murphey in Norbit
An atrocity, and probably the lowest point in his career (and there have been other low points); so disgusting it fails to be humorous and just becomes sad.

           
#7: Martin Lawrence in Big Momma’s House

It’s strange how this managed a sequel, but then it seems sequels have nothing to do with the predecessor being good. What’s more it has the feel of being improvisation: horrible improvisation.
         
#6: Jerry O’Connell in Kangaroo Jack
O'Connell seemed to show at least an average amount of competence in Crossing Jordan. Thus, I wonder if he's really that talent-less or just not talented enough to make this drivel work. It's painful to watch at times, and I think he knows.      


#5: Hayley Duff in Material Girls
Sure, she'll never be as big as her sister (and by big I mean terrible), but she does give her a run for her money in the shrill acting department.

#4: Hayden Panetirre in I Love You, Beth Cooper
Perhaps it's unfair to single her out as the film's worse offender, but then again - no. 

      
# 3: Hilary Duff in Material Girls
It's one of the oddest performance I've seen. She manages to overact and underact at the same time, and still manages to annoy me with her shrill platitudes (the script's fault as much) on life. What a bore.
       
#2: Will Ferrell in Blades of Glory
There has been one occasion where I have not loathed Will Ferrell, in Stranger than Fiction. Other than not, his talent eludes me. but this is just too horrible for words.
         
#1: Anthony Anderson in Kangaroo Jack

I can't speak of this objectively because its very existence offends me. Suffice to say, it's not very good.
              
The Worst Worst
Runners Up: (Big Momma’s House, Daredevil, Nacho Libre, Shallow Hal, Stuart Little II)

#10: Blades of Glory
I’ve permanently been standoffish about Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller since. This is the sort of contemptible imaginings that just make me sigh at the state of “comedy” in this day and age. What a chore.

#9: Scary Movie III
Dare I continue? Anna Farris shows burst of talent at times, but it’s never in this franchise. It just gets worse and worse and this third incarnation is just vile. To add to its badness they decide to spoof every single movie they can think of. Epic fail. Epic.

#8: Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties
I can’t explain what prompted me to see this. I missed the original (with good reason apparently). I like the comics, but the sight of this disgusting cat makes me want to hurl and with a story that beats as much as a punctured heart I curse the day that the filmmakers realised the money to be made in anamorphic characters.

#7: I Love You, Beth Cooper

It's a distasteful “coming of age” film that reinforces all the stereotypes present in countless other teen romantic comedies – but worse. From it’s unbearably clichéd ruses to its pointless plot points and wooden acting I’m glad few people (I know) mention it.

#6: Men In Black II
I remember being mildly charmed by the original; the sequel? Not so much. Will Smith aggravates me most of the time, and though I don’t despise Tommy Lee Jones I’m not a big fan of his. With this unfortunate sequel I though at least they’d stop with the pairing; I was wrong

#5: Elektra

Though I do like Jennifer Garner (a well deserved Emmy winner for Alias) I can’t fathom what made her think that we wanted to see this movie. Daredevil was bad, but this was even worse because we didn’t get a chance to see Collin Farrell ham it up. Ugh.

#4: Norbit
I didn’t want Murphy to win the Oscar for Dreamgirls, and if this is what prevented it – I’m fine. That doesn’t make it any better, though. Eddie Murphy has talent, but the offensiveness horribleness of this “film” is unnerving. What a travesty.

#3: Big Momma’s House II
What’s worse than the original? The sequel. I suppose once upon a time the crossdressing thing held some appeal (Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, Jack Lemmon all did it with genuine comedic ability) but this tired film is such a chore I cringe that this is what black comedy has turned. I cringe that this is what ANY sort of comedy has turned to.

#2: Material Girls
Perhaps, there’s just the slightest bit of folly in expecting this to be good; but I’m not one to harshly judge all teenage fodder. In the case of Material Girls, all the hate is justified. Uninspired, ridiculous and so horribly acting I can’t believe that Anjelica Huston has reached this level.

#1: Kangaroo Jack

I get a headache thinking about the horror of this film. A film about two idiots who lose thousands of dollars in a jacket when the put it on a kangaroo who is not dead. The film is so abysmal I’m at a loss to how it’s not been rated 0 on all the media outlets. Its very existence seems like an abominations to me, and I never want to see it again. Ever.
            
Is there any film above that you’d be willing to defend? Make your arguments. 
        
An F is more than just a bad movie; an F is a film I wish would disappear completely. What were your Fs last decade?

Failure to Launch, Season One: Episode 2

Sooner or later I’ll end up featuring an actor that we’ll end up arguing over – chances are, this is not that episode. A few weeks ago Heather and I entered a discussion in the commenting section of her blog on Jack Black. Apparently we both loathed the man. Jack Black’s appeal escapes me. It boggles my mind even more that he’s considered a celebrated comedian, or at the very least a creditable box-office draw. But am I overzealous in my disdain of him?

                       

Prosecution, Exhibit A: Shallow Hal

Later in the week I’ll turn my attention to this film a little more, but until then I will intimate that it – along with Jack Black – does nothing but exasperate me. It remains as one of the un-funniest comedies and the fact that it garners any positive reviews only confuses more. The eponymous Hal is a shallow man who gets a “spell” placed on him so that he only sees the inside of people. Thus the fat, ugly, but sweet girl is seen as thin and gorgeous. I won’t go into the tirade on the actual film (later), but Black does nothing to improve it. It drags and his vexing lack of charisma does little to improve the situation.

             

Prosecution, Exhibit B: Nacho Libre

Another candidate for worse film of the decade…for me at least. It is neither “action” nor “comedy” yet it’s sometimes given the moniker of action-comedy. What an error. Even though Shallow Hal attempts (fleetingly) to take the spotlight off Black, Nacho Libre lets him do all – which only proves, once again, how unsatisfying he is a leading man and as an “actor”. It’s the sort of experience that makes you embarrassed for those involved and leaves a slight taste of vomit in your mouth.

               

Prosecution, Exhibit C: The Holiday

I liked The Holiday. Sure it’s not nearly as good as Meyer’s best film, but it’s a serviceable romantic comedy. I realised how little Jack Black was doing for me when, as the film neared its end, I found myself hoping that Kate Winslet would end up with the septuagenarian instead of him. Sure, he attempts to tone down his infuriating antics, but the best he manages to do is play a bland nonentity. Not to sound harsh, he’s not as horrible here as the two before – but the reason I single it out is because Black's apparent inability to play a serious romantic lead really spoiled the film at times for me, no matter how luminous Winslet is.

         

Defence, Exhibit A: School of Rock

I remember this most for Joan Cusack offering another brilliant take on an old character part. The thing is, the film is something of a blast and Black is good here. I don’t know if it’s because the script is tighter, I don’t know if it’s because he’s in the habitat where he should remain (with people who seem to have the mental capacity as he; no offense to children) but it works. It all works very well so that when he does (unfortunately) shift into his slapstick antics I’m being distracted by all the other good stuff around.

Defence, Exhibit B: Margot at the Wedding

This film is oft forgotten and when remembered it is not with fondness. It’s not an easy film, by any stretch, though I do think Nicole’s quite brilliant in it playing severely against type. Yet, it’s not Nicole who’s the revelation (I already know she’s a star) it’s black pacing himself, being subtle (as much as he can) and doing one hell of a job to make me think I could have been wrong about him. Was I?

                 

You decide. Guilty? Innocent? Am I being harsh or has Black’s career failed to impress you? Make your arguments. 

           

PREVIOUSLY:

Matthew McConaughey, Verdict: Guilty (8) Innocent (0)